Humiliation Nation
by supafly09
Summary: Well, if you don't like DMHG fics, then don't read it. It's a freaking hilarious tale of how Draco and Hermione went from being Ferret Boy and Mudblood, to Drakie and Snukkums. It's a tale about how embarrassing moments that end up in them together.
1. I Fell

Summary: Well, if you don't like DMHG fics, then don't read it. It's a freaking hilarious tale of how Draco and Hermione went from being Ferret Boy and Mudblood, to Drakie and Snukkums. It's a tale about how a lot of embarrassing moments ultimately end up in them.

"I have a few start of term notices that I would like to announce," Dumbledore stated with that familiar twinkle in his eye, "The Forbidden Forest is restricted, do not wonder." he said, looking at the Golden Trio. They all smiled at each other. "And also, Filch has added about 100 things to his list of forbidden things. If you wish to view, it will be in his office, now that I have said that, let's eat."

" I think that was the shortest speech that Dumbledore has ever given." Ron said.

"Thank goodness because I am really hungry." Harry replied. At that moment, Ron starting eating like he hasn't eaten in days. People were starting to notice, and point at him.

"Ron, I know that you are really hungry, but don't eat so fast, you could choke." Hermione stated, matter-of-factly.

"Well, I think he's eating so fast because his family can't afford to feed him." said the familiar drawl of Draco Malfoy. "I mean, it wouldn't be so bad if he choked, I have been waiting for him to die, seeing as how Voldermort didn't do it."

"Go away Malfoy, matter fact, why are you at the Gryffindor table anyway?" said Hermione coldly.

"Funny you should ask," he replied, "McGonagall told me to come here and get you." Ron looked at him with daggers. "Official Head's business, mudblood."

"You're going to stop calling me that Malfoy, okay, anyways bye guys."

"Bye, Hermione, you know what to do if he touches you." Ron said with a wink. Hermione laughed and walked off with Malfoy. They walked in silence.

'I wonder what she is supposed to do if I do something to her.' he thought. 'Oh well, probably nothing, Weasley just said that to tick me off.'

As they arrived in McGonagoll's office, she was already there waiting for them. She handed them a folder each. "This is what you two will be doing all year, like deadlines, and when your things are do, I trust you can read through them yourself, Mr. Malfoy," she paused then continued, "If you can't, Mr. Malfoy, I'm positive that Ms. Granger may be able to help you, understood?" she asked.

"Yes Professor McGonagall." they replied together.

'I don't need that mudblood's help.' he thought. They walked to their common room. "What's the password?" she asked the portrait. "Why my dear, you get to make it up." said the knight. "I think that it should be 'ompouspa oolfa'"(A/N If you don't know what that means, its pompous fool in pig Latin) she said. "And what pray tell does that mean?" Malfoy asked. "It's nothing, anyways, the head girl gets to pick the password." Well, young lady, nice password, you may go in." said the portrait.

As they walked in, her mouth dropped, while Malfoy just stood there and looked at it like he was used to it. "Wow," she started," This is amazing." she said. "Well, I guess it is for a little mudblood like you, but for me, I am used to luxury." he said.

She didn't care, she was wrapped up in the room, it had beautiful red and gold couches. It also had a book shelves all of which had her favorite books, and best of all it had 'Hogwarts, A History" just sitting there. It had various lamps, tables, and chairs around the room, all of which were the Gryffindor colors. She noticed a door, and she went in it. It was a bathroom. It's colors were green and silver. It had two toilets, and two sinks. To bad it only had one bath tub though. She noticed two doors inside the bathroom, one red and one green, she supposed these led to their rooms. She walked in, she almost had a heart attack. It was so beautiful. She had a king sized bed, a huge bookshelf, a bedside table, and a walk-in closet. She also had a dresser. Her whole room was like as big as the Gryffindor girl's dormitory.

She walked back in the common room, and saw a thing see did not want to see.

Malfoy sitting there in only some green and silver boxers.

But it surprised her because, she looked at it and was like _'Dang man, he gotta nice lookin' body, I likes dat.'_

"Malfoy, please put on some clothes, while many girls in this school like you, I am not one of them, so therefore I don't want to see you in that." she said (she couldn't let him know what she was REALLY thinking now could she?)

"Well, mudblood, many girls would die to get this chance. I just wanted to see how you would react." he retorted, with a hint of amusement in his voice.

She just stood there, she didn't even hear what he had said. All she was thinking was _'I see why girls like him, look at those washboard abs. I could do some laundry on them abs. Oh no, I shouldn't be thinking this. Yes you should look at him, he's fye!'_ She shook her head at the argument that had just went on in her mind. Unfortunately, Malfoy saw this.

"Is there something that I should know about, mudblood? It looked like you were having a bloody battle in your head!" he sniggered at the thought that she was going mad.

"Why don't you just shut up." She said. And with that last remark, she ran up the stairs. _'Man I am so embarrassed, now he thinks I'm a freaking mad woman.' _After that last thought, she tripped up the stairs, and was humiliated, only to hear was Malfoy on the couch laughing his tail off.

A/N Well, I thought that that was a good place to end. So, did y'all like it? Review please and thankyou.


	2. Before Breakfast

The next day, Hermione woke up and was ready to get in the shower, only to hear that Malfoy was already in it. The funny thing about it was that he was RAPPING, actually rapping. She paused to hear what he was saying.

_Hey how ya doing little dirty  
Let me whisper in ya ear  
Tell ya something you might like to hear  
Got a nice little _

_And my poke out  
_

She knew that song, but she didn't like it. What she wanted to know was how did Malfoy know that song, The Wait Remix? That's Muggle music and she was sure that they didn't play that in the Wizarding World. Then, he broke out into the chorus.

_This is the wait remix,  
This is the wait remix,  
Hey Girl,  
This is the wait remix,  
Cuz u couldn't get enough,  
Like Beat 'em, Beat 'em Beat 'em Beat 'em Beat 'em (continues)_

_Couldn't Get Enough,  
Couldn't Get Enough,  
Couldn't Get Enough,  
Couldn't Get Enough,  
Couldn't Get Enough,  
Couldn't Get Enough,  
_

Then after that, he started rapping in a part that wasn't the song, it was some other song, and he kept asking himself "Who?" and then replying "Mike Jones." She just couldn't think of a reason why he would ask himself a question multiple times, and then answer. She neither knew, nor cared about who Mike Jones was.

She knocked on the door loudly, "What?" he answered, obviously annoyed. "Other people have to use the bathroom, you know!"

"Open up the door," he said, "I can't hear you!"

"I said get out so that I can use it!" she screamed.

"Who are you to be screaming at me like that? You crazy mudblood!" he shouted back. At that precise moment, he dropped the soap, bent over to pick it up, and slipped on the soap. He slipped backwards and out of the tub. He and all his naked Slytherin glory was exposed, and it was a sight to see.

_Wow, that looks extra nice, I would love to have a piece of that, _she thought. What she didn't realize was that she was indeed staring, and he happened to notice because at the same moment she was bending over to see him, he was busy looking down her shirt.

_What a nice rack, _he thought. Then he realized that they were looking at each other at quickly covered up his 'manly features'. He left the bathroom quickly, and fell again, even though Hermione was there to see. Ironic, isn't it?

As Hermione got out the shower, she was in a hurry. She realized she left something in the Common Room, and got it before going upstairs to her room. To her misfortune, Malfoy was there.

_Shoot, were did I leave that? _She thought. "Malfoy, have you seen my socks?" she asked.

"Nope, Mudblood, I haven't. You should keep better care of your items." He replied.

At that moment, Crookshanks came out of no where and jumped on her. Out of surprise, she dropped the towel that was covering her body. Thank goodness Crookshanks was covering up anything that Malfoy might see, but he was looking though, but she was covered, and he could see nothing.

_That's not fair, that Mudblood got to see everything that I have, and that blasted animal is covering her up, oh, too late_.

She had wrapped the towel back around her and went upstairs to change.

**A/N Thanks to the one reviewer that I had, it was a nice and I appreciate it, a lot. Well, Hermione knows a lot more about Draco, wouldn't you say?**


	3. What Happened at Breakfast

A/N Thanks to my reviewers, I appreciate them a lot. Keep 'em coming. Now, on with the next chapter:

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**Later That Day**

'I absolutely, positively, loathe Crookshanks right now! I am going to kill him when I see him again! Well, maybe not kill him, but I'm certainly not going to clean his litter box for a long time!' Thought a very disgruntled Hermione.

"Hey 'Mione, what's wrong with you?" said Ron, looking concerned.

"Nothing that I cant handle, it's just been a very, for lack of a better word, _hectic _morning, with sharing the same bathroom and stuff." She said, looking thoroughly embarrassed.

"Mione, what happened, you know you can tell us." Said Harry, looking like he was on the edge of his seat, waiting for her answer.

"Well, I sort of walked in on Malfoy taking a shower, he slipped and fell, and I saw him naked, then I dropped my towel and he saw me naked, except not all of me." She said so fast that Harry and Ron only hear the words 'Malfoy……naked…….dropped towel…..me….naked.'

"HE SAW YOU NAKED WHEN I HAVEN'T EVEN SEEN THE LITTLEST THING AS YOUR SHIN?" exploded Ron. At that statement, the whole Great Hall got silent. The only sound that was left was Harry's pen dropping (Harry then whispered to Dean, "I have always wanted to drop my pen like that."). And, to Hermione's displeasure, he and Dean started laughing.

"You think that this is funny, do you?" said Hermione, glaring at Harry. If looks could kill, he would have died, been brought back to life only to have been castrated, and killed again-in other words, he was in some deep stuff.

"But Her-" he started.

"I don't want to hear it Harry, you're always backing Ron up, and honestly, I'm getting tired of it, and--." She didn't get to finish, Harry had interrupted her.

"Don't you see Hermione? Ron is in love with you," Ron went crimson when Harry said that, "don't you see what he is going through? He's loved you and the most you've ever given him Is a little measly 'friendly' hug. With all of your book smarts and intelligence, you couldn't see what was standing right in front of you, open your eyes Hermione, and look around," he said as he left the Great Hall, with a mad grin on his face.

'Yes,' thought Harry, 'finally I succeeded in telling Hermione about Ron, now, let's wait and see what happens." he paused,' What'll happen when they break up?" He was left to ponder his actions after his walk back to the Common Room.

About one hour later, in came Ron, he had a big kool-aid smile, and he looked like Christmas had come early.

"What happened, why are you smiling like that?" asked Harry, even though he knew what his friend was going to say. Unfortunately, Ron had a dazed expression on his face and a little amount of drool was now coming out of his mouth.

"Ron, snap out of it," Harry said, but he wouldn't stop, although he finally spoke:

"It was just so amazing, Harry."

And with that, he started reminiscing.

_Flashback_

_Harry left the Great Hall, and he and Hermione were left there, stunned at what Harry had just revealed._

"_So, um, Hermione, can I come to your dorm with you?" asked a nervous Ron. _

"_Yea, sure you can, is that all you want to do though, is talk? Because I have a few other things in my mind," said Hermione with an evil glint in her eye. _

"_Well, only if you want to, yea, we can do other things." And with that last statement, the both of them left the Great Hall in a hurried manner. After that, they did other things, a lot of other 'things'._

_End Flashback._

"So I'm taking it that you and Hermione are together then?" said Harry.

"Yea, I guess we are." replied Ron.

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A/N Thanks to my reviewers, I hope the next chapter is longer and more interesting, this was essential to the plot, hint hint. Don't be stranger, review. And give me your opinion! If you have any suggestions, you can email them to me o send me a review, thanks a bunch. 


	4. I Walk Alone

Disclaimer: I do not own anything here that you recognize, including the song.

A/N Thanks to my reviewers, I am very happy that I got some positive reviews, I guess I'll start doing personal replies when my reviews consist of more than 'Great job.' But I'm not complaining, thank goodness I at least got some reviews.

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It was a week after Hermione and Ron had gotten together. Everything was going so perfect, but someone didn't like what he saw.

Thank goodness it was Saturday, or else Ron and Hermione might have been in trouble. They had a very long night last night, and woke up late. It was about eleven o'clock when they awoke.

"Ron, wake up," said a very tired Hermione, "Ron, we missed the carriages to Hogsmeade and we missed breakfast."

"I don't want to wake up, Mum." Said Ron, still asleep.

"Ron, if you don't get up this instance, I'll…… …. do something absolutely horrible." She said after a moment, getting fed up.

"I would like to see you try." Challenged Ron. So, Hermione took her wand out, and muttered a spell.

"Ballus Kickus." Said Hermione trying to stifle a giggle.

"Oooowwww," yelled a disgruntled Ron, "What the bloody hell was that, it felt like you hit me, well, you know where."

"It was a spell, and it got you up, didn't it?" she replied, looking oddly pleased with herself.

"Okay woman, I'm up. Now what do you want? You kind of wore me out last night, so I have no more energy to do anything else." Said Ron.

"Not even a bit of snogging before lunch, oh Ron, I thought you had more endurance than that, but I guess I could go ask someone else to help--." She was cut off by Ron.

"Well, if you really want to." He replied.

At that moment they started snogging. They started off very gently, with Ron being tired, but then they started raging a war with each other's tongue. This moment seemed perfect, until----

"Aww, it's Weasel and Mudblood, you know, these are my quarters too, and I would like for me to be able to walk in and not find scum trading saliva." He drawled in that Malfoy-ish voice.

"Well, Malfoy, I guess we can go on up to Hermione's room, and leave you to snog with your beloved couch, okay?" said Ron, with a wide kool-aid smile on his face.

"I did not mean it like that, Weasel, and if you are implying that I can't get a girl, them you are sadly mistaken, all the girls in this school want me." He retorted.

"Well, I can think of one who doesn't, and she is standing right beside me." Ron said back.

At these words, Hermione actually started to blush, but why. 'Oh no, I feel my cheeks getting hot, I hope it's not visible. I just wish he wouldn't mention anything about me and Malfoy, enough has already happened.'

Malfoy had noticed her blush, but decided not to say anything about it; he made a mental note to ask her about it later.

So, after that, Ron and Hermione ran up the stairs in a childish way, and when Ron turned around to say "Sucker," he got about to mid-sentence, and ran into the door.

"See, that's what you get for trying to be smart, SUCKER!" Malfoy screamed at the top of his voice.

WALKING BACK FROM LUNCH

"I'm guessing that you and Hermione had a good time, because both of your lips are freakishly swollen." Said Harry, with a big hint of amusement in his voice.

"Yeah, I guess we did," said Hermione," but thank you for walking me to my common room, see you guys later!"

As she walks in her room, she hears someone playing a familiar song in the distance.

_I walk a lonely road  
The only one I that have ever known  
Don't know were it goes  
But its home to me and I walk alone_

'Malfoy plays the guitar? How odd, an it's muggle music at that."

_I walk this empty street  
On the Boulevard of broken dreams  
Where the city sleeps  
And I'm the only one and I walk alone_

'Oh my gosh I love this song! This is a turn-on!'

_I walk alone  
I walk alone  
I walk a..._

'I just want to run in there and do….. something'

_My shadows the only one that walks beside me  
My shallow hearts the only thing that's beating  
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me  
Till then I walk alone_

_- Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ahhh  
Ah Ah-Ah Ah_

As she gets lost in his words, she absent-mindedly turns his door handle……

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A/N Sorry for the cliff-hanger but I bet you all no what's about to happen. Anyways, give my some reviews! 


	5. Aint A Thang But A Chicken Wang

Disclaimer: You know, I was J.K. Rowling and I was rich and famous, then I got pinched and woke up, it was only a dream.

**A/N: Narcissa Malfoy is very OOC, so try not to flame me for her demented sense of humor, even though it really is my demented sense of humor since I wrote it.**

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As she gets lost in his words, she absent-mindedly turns the door handle, only to find him playing the guitar, while tears fall silently into his lap. She closed the door silently, so he took no notice of her being in the room. She notices a letter lying in the floor, curiosity getting the better of her, she picks it up and reads it.

Dear Draco,

Just to tell you, we, that is to say your father and me, want to see you get married before you turn twenty years old. So, use this last year at Hogwarts to find my new daughter in-law. Please consider Pansy, we like her the best. Oh yeah, your father has great news, he'll be getting out of Azkaban soon. Your father sends his love,

Sincerely,

Your mother

'I wonder why he's crying. The only bad part about it is that he has to get married, but that's three years away.' It was when she put that letter down, when she found another.

Dear Draco,

I was just playing when I sent that letter, we don't want you to get married, we could care less about Hogwarts, and we hate that pig-faced Pansy girl. Oh yeah, your father doesn't send his love because guess what, he doesn't love you. Ha-ha, hut yeah, h said when he gets out of prison, he said he has something he would like to say to you. (You are going to get it! Ha-ha)

Love,

Mom

'Wow, that was pretty harsh.' She thought. Just then she found another letter, it read:

Dear Draco,

Just playing, I don't love you either, and if you ever call me 'mom', I will Avada you so quick, you won't know what hit you, and by the time you do, you'll be dead. Ha-ha.

-Narcissa

At that moment, she let out a breath she didn't realize she was holding, to her misfortune, Malfoy heard her, and noticed the letter in her hand.

"Well go on and laugh then, snotty Malfoy's parents don't even like him, ha-ha." After he said that, he took a moment to look into her eyes for some hint of amusement, but all he saw was pain, embarrassment, and sorrow. It looked as though she wanted to share his tears, or take away his burden. But, knowing Malfoy, he noticed her blushing.

"Uh, mudblood, you do notice that you are blushing, even though I seem to have that effect on girls." He said with a 'superior' air.

'Well I wouldn't be blushing if you had on more than some boxer briefs.' She thought to herself. At this moment, he looked to see what he was staring at.

"Oh crap." He said out loud, despite himself.

"Don't worry Malfoy, I have seen more than that before, unless you forgot, remember?" she said while failing miserably to stifle her laughter.

He chose to ignore her last comment and asked, "Why are you in here, Granger?"

"Because…I heard you playing one of my favorite songs, so I wanted to come up here and listen." She left out the fact that he had really turned her on.

"Oh. Well, I was just thinking about a lot of stuff, as you can see with those letters, so I picked up my guitar, and played the song that 'relaxes' me." He said with an evil gleam growing in his eyes.

"Hey, Granger, I have an idea, I think that we should play 'Kiss, Strip, or Touch, you down?" he asked.

"Yeah, when is Hermione Granger never down?" she asked, but of course it was a rhetorical question.

"It aint a thang but a chicken wang," said Malfoy," Uh, Granger did I use that muggle saying in the right context? I'm horrible with those things."

"No you didn't, but it's okay." She replied. And with that, the game begins.

As they started setting up, Hermione asked," Do you have the buzzer? It's no use playing without one."

"Hold your horses Granger; I am looking for it," he said, "FOUND IT!"

"Well let's start; what are you waiting for, Malfoy?"

"Nothing, Granger, paper, rock, scissors to see who goes first?" Malfoy asked.

"Okay, 1,2,3, paper, rock, scissors, I WIN," she yells, "Okay, pick a topic."

"Well, I pick dirty secrets, I guess." He stated.

"Have you ever done something against your father's beliefs?" she asked.

"No Granger, I haven't." he retorted. But it didn't seem like he was telling the truth, because at that moment, the buzzer started buzzing.

"Well, if you count thinking about yo- I mean a mudblood, then yes, I have."

"Well, that doesn't omit the fact that you lie, so, what will it be? Kiss, strip, or touch?"

She didn't want to let Malfoy know, but she had planned this question. She was going to have some fun with Malfoy, play around with his emotions. Whether he chose kiss, strip, or touch, she gets to call where, how, and for how long. She was going to get inside his head. That was the fun part of the game, if you lied, you get to play the price. She was smiling inwardly.

"I guess I pick touch, even though I know I am going to regret it.' And it was true, he was going to regret it.

She got a whole minute to touch him wherever she wanted to. And when you're waiting, a minute is a long time.

"Touch, huh? Well, where to start?" she asked. "Should I start here?" She started to rub his chest, while her other hand was on his inner thigh. Then, she started traveling slowly up his leg, only ten seconds had passed.

With his eyes closed, he said, "Granger, oh Granger," a small moan escaped his lips, "Could you stop?" Only fifteen seconds had passed.

She started to pull up his shirt, and started to caress his abs. As more considerably louder moans came out, she was having her way with him. Only twenty five seconds had passed.

As she made her way up to the very top of his inner thigh, she paused for a moment, to look at him. She removed her hand and stroked his cheek. When she did this, his eyes opened up, and she put her hand back where it was previously, forty five seconds.

She commenced with rubbing at the top part of his thigh while thinking, "He won't know what to think of me when this is over, and little does he know that this is part of my plan."

Then, at that very moment, the portrait hole burst open to reveal……………..

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**A/N Thank you to my reviewers, I appreciate everything. I already have most of the next chapter written, so it should be up soon. Oh yeah, sorry about the cliff hanger, I find that if you have them, it keeps people coming back for more. Grins evilly>**


	6. Phase 1

**A/N: I didn't get as many reviews as I would have liked, but since I got some, I am going to update, since I know that the suspense is killing all of you. Well, our potions master is a little OOC; he acts like a man would. That's all that I am saying, R&R.**

The portrait whole burst open to reveal Professor Snape. Snape took brief moment to observe his surroundings. He didn't like what he saw. Granger's hand up Malfoy's shirt, her other hand considerably close to his, well, you know. Malfoy lying down on the couch with his eyes closed, looking like he was enjoying it. Not to mention the moaning noise that he was making.

Hermione's head shot up, and she noticed the greasy haired, slimy git looking at her. Her hands shot off Malfoy quick, fast, and in a hurry.

"Good afternoon, Professor Snape, to what do we owe this pleasure?" said Draco with a false smile and a little bit too much enthusiasm.

"Do not sass me, Draco. Now, why were you and Ms. Granger in that 'position' when I walked in?" Snape had a look of anger and a hint of disgust in his eyes.

"No," this time it was Hermione that spoke, "What we do in our own private quarters is our own business, and don't forget that you came, no, burst, in uninvited." She said 'burst' with a little to much feeling for Snape's liking.

Both Snape and Malfoy seemed taken back by her outburst.

"Ms. Granger, I will not be spoken to like I am one of your peers, you will treat me with respect and do what you are told. Twenty points from Gryffindor, now Ms. Granger, I have ways of figuring out what was going on in here myself, or would you and Draco like to explain what was going?'

Truth be told, she liked what was happening. She like knowing something that Snape did not. She was struggling to not use Occlumency. She was going to let Snape enter her mind and give him false memories to view. She had studies Occlumency and now was trying to learn Legimency.

She now knew what she was going to do, she was going to shove images of Draco in her naked in her mind. This wasn't made up, seeing as how she _did _see him naked (and vice versa).

"Seeing as how this is an umm, embarrassing situation, I don't think that I can tell you." She had put on a very believable face, and she thought, 'Man, I am a good actress!'

"Very well Ms. Granger, you leave me no choice." At this he starting gazing at Hermione, giving her a calculating look. She knew he was using Legimency. His facial expression dropped every second, suddenly, he had a look of disgust on his face. He let out an audible gasp.

Inwardly, Hermione laughed. She had put up a false memory in which she and Malfoy were, well, you don't need to know that. She was surprised when Snape didn't say anything when she let him see Malfoy naked, instead, he looked like he was…..enjoying it.

'I bet he is gay,' thought Hermione, 'that would explain a lot.' She started laughing at the prospect of Snape being gay, and Snape looked infuriated.

"What are you laughing at Ms. Granger?" He had spit her name out like it was venom.

"Oh nothing, professor Snape, I was just remembering when me and Malfoy---" she was cut off.

"I do not want to hear you say anything, Ms. Granger, I have seen enough. Draco, you have been strangely quiet, what do you have to say for yourself?"

But he just sat there in silence. He had not said a word since Snape came in. He sat there in a kind of daze, three guesses what he was thinking about.

Although Snape didn't want to, he just had to use this opportunity to venture into his mind.

What he saw kind of surprised him. He now understood why Malfoy was in a daze. He wasn't thinking about memories, he was thinking about what would've happened if Snape hadn't walked in, kind of daydreaming. 'Man, this kid is a pervert, I didn't think that you could do that with your body, my, she is flexible,' thought Snape, getting lost in his own thoughts. Be that as it may, Snape wasn't objecting to watch what was playing in his mind. 'And I thought that Malfoy's (insert ANY body part here) looked great, but Granger's body is just wonderful. It's not pale like mine, but it's sort of tanned, perfect.'

Hermione was quite amused by this. She knew that Snape had entered Malfoy's mind, and that he was seeing something that he likes. She couldn't help thinking that Malfoy was thinking about her naked, so that meant that that was what Snape was thinking. She didn't really like the though that Snape was seeing her naked and wouldn't stop gawking at her. (Now drool was coming out of his and Malfoy's mouth quite freely) The only thing she could think was that this furthered her plans.

"Uh, excuse me you two, is there something wrong?" she asked, even though she knew what was happening. Suddenly, they each woke out of their daze and looked at her intently, a little too intently, if you please. All three of them was having very different thoughts, one of them, who shall remain nameless (even though he is a…cough… teacher… of potions…cough) was having thoughts about the three of them, and quite a few games that they could play. In other words, he was fantasizing about things he ought not to be fantasizing about.

After several minutes of silence, Snape broke it. "Well, I think that I will leave now, and Ms. Granger, I suggest that you wash your mouth out, it's utterly disgusting to think about what's been in it."

"Well, professor," she started, "before you leave, you have a lot of drool around your mouth, and on your cloak, toodles," she added with a cheesy grin before he left the room, with his robes billowing after him.

"What's that supposed to mean, 'It's utterly disgusting to think about what's been in your mouth' what is he implying?" he asked.

Since she couldn't tell him of 'the plan', she put on an innocent look and said, "I don't know what the Greasy-Haired Wonder was talking about."

Malfoy eyed her suspiciously and said, "Granger, I'm not taking that crap from you."

He wasn't dumb because he knew Legimens, and go into Granger's mind easily when she was off guard. He had did it one day after her and Ron came down from her room. Both of their lips were oddly swollen, and their clothes kind of ruffled. He went into her mind, and was scarred for life.

Too bad he wasn't an accomplished Occlumens. He knew the moment Snape looked at him, he was penetrating his mind. Sadly, he couldn't defend himself. So, Snape saw a lot of Granger and Granger probably wouldn't like that.

"Oh crap, I lost my homework, Malfoy have you seen it?" she asked.

"Yeah, it's under the table." He replied.

As she bent over to pick up her homework, Malfoy's eyes slowly traveled down her shirt. He couldn't deny that she had grown a lot. As she brought her head up, she saw what he was looking at, and ran away, but unfortunately she slipped and fell back into him, knocking him off balance. Coincidently, when he fell of his hand traveled to her……breast. "Wow, these are soft." At the she smacked him, leaving a red handprint on his face.

It wasn't like Hermione to do this, but she ran away. She ran up to her room and started writing down the events that had happened just a few moments ago. She had just begun Phase 1 of "The Plan."

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**A/N Thanks to all my reviewers, and did I catch you off guard with Snape? I thought it would be funny to let his 'male' emotions show through, because in the books, you never get to see them. Read and Review.**

**Oh yeah, thanks to my beta, Lone Wolf55, she is amazing. Her D/H fic actually could have happened, if HBP wasn't written. But she started it before that book came out. Go check out her page!**

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	7. MUST READ!

**A/N:** Well sorry that it's taking me this long to update, I've been in school, and it's getting to be harder, so I should have the next chapter up in about a couple of days, so bear with me. And also I'm starting a new fic, and I wanted to know if anyone would be interested in being my beta. Tell me in a review or something. Love ya'. Here goes some exerts from the next chapter:

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-We find out what Hermione's plan is, and how she's going to do it.-

-**The Four Pimp Rules**

_Get in they head before you get in they bed._

_What one girl doesn't do, there are a lot more, more than willing._

_Girls come like busses you can catch 'em every hour on the hour._

_You can't hate the player, and be a player._

-Double Potions with the Slytherins, what's going to happen?

-More DraMione action coming soon to a computer near you!


	8. Jealous Guys

**Disclaimer:** Well, J.K. Rowling called me and talked bad to me, and reminded me that I am not her, and I own no part of Harry Potter. Also I don't own the song in this chapter.

**A/N:** Sorry it took me so long, but high school gets to you after a while.

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As she was eating breakfast on Monday, Harry and Ron walked in to the Great Hall. Ron walked up, and gave her a quick kiss on the lips. Hermione blushed slightly at this, and Harry noticed.

"So how was your weekend? We didn't see you yesterday, Malfoy didn't do anything to you, did he?" Ron said, waiting for her answer.

"Yeah, 'Mione, one thing and he is gone!" Harry chimed.

"No he didn't. Actually... I kind of did something to him, but I have a plan." She said.

"You did something to him? Like what?" Ron asked incredulously.

"Let's just that I got him thinking about something." She replied, smirking. It was true, she did get him thinking.

Ron's mind was blank. He didn't know what to think. He didn't know what to think. He wanted to know what his girlfriend got Malfoy thinking about. He was kind of, shall we say, possessive. He didn't want any other male talking or looking at his gal, unless it was Harry. He didn't even care if they were gay, he still didn't want them looking at her.

"You got him wandering about what, exactly?" Ron said.

The anger inside of him was starting to boil, he didn't like the way this was going. He was afraid he'll hear something that he didn't want to hear.

"I can't tell you that Ron, it'll ruin my plan because you'll blow up about it. So I'm just not going to tell you, okay?" She put on an innocent look. It was about to come any minute, he was about to blow up and start yelling.

"Hermione, just tell me what you did, okay?" He said, but he was still positive that he didn't want to know the answer. Not seeing a way out of this one, she went into her details of the plan, and what had occurred this morning. She was about to leave out what she did to Snape, but she couldn't come up with a plausible excuse. When she got finished, Harry and Ron laughed. They were turning red and falling out of their seats. People were starting to notice.

"Wow, that was really funny!" Exclaimed Harry and Ron at the same time.

"I can't believe you two. Here I am thinking that you two would be screaming my head off, then giving me the cold shoulder, but here you are, just cracking up." Hermione said, somewhat confused.

"Don't you see 'Mione? That thing you did to Snape was freakin' hilarious. I have got to learn Occlumency, or Legimens, or whatever it is that you can do." Ron said, still laughing.

"Yeah 'Mione, your plan is great." Harry stated.

Truth be told, she enjoyed having Harry and Ron behind her. This was one less thing she had to hide from them. Over the years, there were lot of things she had to hide form them. Like how she used to go around telling girls to stay away from Ron because he was hers. And she would take that secret to the grave; she would never tell Ron that specific detail.

"Hey 'Mione," Ron started, "Is there anyway me and Harry could help, or get into this little plan?"

"Yeah, we would love to help you mess up Malfoy's life." Harry professed, albeit a little to loudly.

"Be quiet Harry!" Hermione said.

"Sorry, 'Mione, but can we help?" Harry asked.

"Okay, I guess I'll let both of you help me out. It's going to be hard to get in to Malfoy's head. This reminds me of that song, Jealous Guys." She said.

"Jealous Guys? Who's that by?" Harry asked.

"Well actually, it's an American song by a man named P Diddy, another man named Mase, and this group named 112." She said, as if that explained everything.

"Diddy and Mase rapping together? No way! You know how Mase is these days, he's like some preacher." Harry said.

"Well actually, it was an old song, you want to hear it?" She asked.

"Yeah sure, but how?" Ron asked, still not knowing what rapping was.

"I have my WizCD, I got it this summer as an early birthday present, here it goes," she said.

_Mase  
You know, There's a lot of jealous guys in this town,   
And many other towns I go to, ah yeah  
But I'm afraid right now I'm so hurt  
I'm a need 112 and Puff, to help me explain how I feel  
So come on fellas, help me out_

112  
Chorus   
Ladies, There's jealous guys in our town, oh baby  
Ladies, There's jealous guys in our town, oh baby

Mase  
Well, Well Well  
Now would you be mad, If I, gave back your girl  
Or would it still be a problem with the entire Harlem world  
At first you were singing , that she was your ex  
But you was ready to kill me when you found out we had sex  
When I came and told you the deal  
You wouldn't admit how you feel  
Now you know your girl love me  
Why can't you just let it be (just let it be) 

Puffy   
I go by the name Puff Daddy  
And I'm a Scorpio, check this out   
Girl I really hope you find a new lover  
Cause Mase can't take no more  
Of you f him and his brotha, ut uh  
And girl what make you think you could do what ya do  
And think that we'll be standing here fightin over you  
When I came and told him the deal   
He wouldn't admit how he feel  
Now he know his girl love me   
Why can't he just let it be (just let it be) 

Puffy  
As I said before, I go by the name of Puffy Daddy  
And I'm a Scorpio and I'm not a jealous guy  
Come on sing for me Mase Mase   
You see if we had more pimps, It wouldn't be no jealous guys  
See me I live by the four pimp rules  
Number one, you control the situation  
You get in they head before you get in they bed  
And number two, girls run like buses you may miss one  
Catch one every hour on the hour, promptly  
And number three, What that girl ain't willin to do  
You got a hundred more girls more than willin  
And number four, is a new rule to the new pimp testament  
You can't be a playa and hate the playas  
That don't make no sense  
I don't wanna see no more jealous guys  
At the end of this song y'all  
I really don't wanna see no more jealous guys  
At the end of this song y'all  
So can y'all sing along with me  
I mean put your hands together, sing along y'all  
Sing along everybody

Mase   
I just really wanna come and let you know  
Girl you just got to let them go  
Cause there jealous guys, jealous guys, in our town  
And it's gonna show love is gonna show  
It's gonna show, oh baby it's gonna show oh oh  
It's gonna show, it's gon', it's gon' it's gonna show  
And you is a jealous guy in our town  
In our town, in our town  
Oh baby, oh yeah, uh oh, uh oh, uh oh   
Well, well, well, well, well, well  
Well, well, well, well, well  
Where do you go when there's jealous guys in our town 

Puffy  
Now that's the end of our discussion  
To all the player haters and player hatetts  
Mase, Harlem World, Puff Daddy and 112  
Telling you to be a lover and not a hater, you'll get further in life 

_May God bless you and good night_

After they heard this song, Ron and Harry burst out laughing, yet again. This time they were laughing extra hard. Even Hermione had joined in laughing. The whole great hall had gotten quiet to see who was doing all of the laughing. Even though they knew people were watching them, they couldn't or wouldn't stop laughing.

"Get in the – laugh – head before you – laugh – get in they – laugh – bed." Ron said. "You muggles are so hilarious."

"Yeah, I wish girls would come like buses for me." Harry said.

He and Ron looked at each other and started laughing again.

"Well, that's how the girls are in America, but you won't see me doing that." Hermione said, trying to defend herself.

"You won't even do that for me? But last night you said --," Ron was cut off.

"Be quiet Ron, you knew that I wasn't talking about that. But the plan is to make Malfoy fall in love with me, but I'm not going to love him back, and I'll act like I'm cheating on you, Ron, okay?" she asked.

"Yeah, that'll be cool, and tonight, I'll come up to your room, we'll do our thing, and when I leave you can tell Malfoy to come up." Ron said with a huge grin on his face.

"Yeah, and come out with you hair all messed up and your clothes put on badly. Then he'll know that you two have been messing around," Harry paused for a moment, and said, "One of you should let out a loud moan so he'll think that you were up there doing something." He added, with a huge grin.

"We won't be playing though, something will definitely be happening." Added Hermione, with an evil grin on her face as Ron started to kiss her neck.

"I just can't wait, this is going to be funny." Harry said.


End file.
